In total honesty - Things have not been going my way.
Previously, In a very difficult time in my life, I shared with my therapist that I felt as though I was lost in a incredibly dark room - I would have done anything to find a way out. It was a struggle and It was excruciatingly painful. I was lost.
Over time these difficulties simply became a normal part of my life. Naturally, I began to cope with the pain. My intentions may have been true but my pain was being buried deep down inside. I was not allowing the space for the pain to be processed and let go.
Recently, This all too familiar "dark room theme" has reintroduced itself. I have found myself face to face with deep rooted pain and trauma from my past. I have experienced intense anxiety and physical pain through my body. I felt lost, I felt scared.
When I offered myself the opportunity to relax in moments of pain and fear, I created space in my heart for peace and Grace. I returned to my practice and my mantra quickly became surrender. Even if I had to repeat it every few seconds - when I noticed fear, judgement or pain I take a deep inhale and intentionally emphasize my exhale while repeating "Surrender, surrender, surrender..."
We cannot run from our pain - We must find the courage to meet our pain half way. I imagine walking up to my pain and embracing it. I am continuously reminded that I must be willing to listen to what my pain has to say. Finding silence in the moments between each breathe, finding peace in the moments between fear. Being present with it. Embracing it. Breathing with it. Feeling the waves wash over and know that in the darkness we will find our true healing.
I consider myself lucky to be able to find comfort in friends. They showed up for me and offered their compassion and empathy. Thank you friends.